Monday, September 12, 2011

Big Sweaty Man Balls!

Ever have those nights when you're laying in bed trying to get comfortably and your brain decides to pull up every embarrassing moment you have ever had?

Yeah, well happened to me recently. And instead of letting my brain win I decided I needed to do something for me to move on from these memories that try oh-so hard to torment me. I figure if I just put them out there for the whole world to see it will and either be such old news that I will no longer care, or it will get way way WAY more embarrassing and I'll have to change my name and live under rock. Either way I'm gonna do it dangit! So here is my most embarrassing moment I had that night and if this one makes me feel better I'll let the world view the rest. Enjoy.

1. "Big Sweaty Man Balls!"

This one sounds WAY worse than what it actually is, and that's exactly why it makes it soo embarrassing. I had a friend in high school who was always kinda slow on the get-up of things. She was was so sweet, so nice, so innocent, and therefore flat out stupid at times. I think the best way for you to understand is to know that while working for a teacher as an assistant and fellow student told her that "DTF" meant Deserves to Fly"." The kid told her a lot of students put that on their papers if they really wanted a higher grade. So when she was told to grade papers, if it was a good grade, she always put "DTF."with a HUGE smiley face next to it. The looks she got when she passed back the papers were priceless and the poor girl had no idea until I realized that what happening and let her down gently.

ANYWAY! That isn't my embarrassing story. That all happened when she learned about the phrase, "Tea Bagging." She had no idea what it meant and never thought to ask anyone. I noticed she was using it a lot at a football game we were playing. Of course we were band geeks. She kept throwing the phrase into random sentences.
"Oh, number 8 totally just tea bagged on that throw."
"Whoo! Touch Down! Tea Bag!"
Everyone was laughing and I felt so bad for her I pulled her down, (she was, of course, standing on the bleachers yelling these things.) I sat her down for a one of one. This is how the conversation went down:

me: Girl, you can't go around screaming 'tea bag' you have no idea what it means!
friend: What? Yes I do!
me: No, no you really don't. You might as well be screaming 'Big sweaty man balls' at everyone!
friend: What?? No...
And this is where things get bad. The crowd started getting really loud and I started to get frustrated so extremely loud I shouted:

The whole band starred at me in the bleachers. It got dead silent. Apparently while I was trying to explain all of this to her the band director was getting the band ready to play a new song.

The look of the teachers around me were murderous. It was as if I admitted I had anthrax dusted onto my plume.

It should have ended there. Everyone should have had a moment with their awkward stares then went back to their lives. It did not happen that way.

Immediately I was told to get off of the field by a band parent and I was walked back into the school. I sat there insanely confused while I watched a group of random parents, teachers, and administrators huddled around tossing out words like, "corrupting minds, inciting a riot, advertising pornography." I could not believe it!  I wasn't even the one shouting tea bagging!

Finally an administrator turned around and said, "Now we know kids have different types of hobbies, likes and dislikes. But when they are not school appropriate we ask the students to refrain from talking about them. What you do and talk about in your free time that is not illegal we cannot stop you, no matter how much we disapprove" He sighed and looked back at what now seemed like a mob of angry parents.

only not so yellow.

"Some people wish that you would be force to sit out on a few games, but since what you did didn't quite break any rules, just deeply disturbed most, we only ask that you would send out a personal written apology to all the parents who you upset."

What the heck! If I wasn't there to hear all of this I would not have believed it. I had NO idea that people really hated big sweaty man balls that much! You would have thought more people would have been more tolerant about the area seeing how even while watching Dora the Explorer you can learn about the magic of the male blue pill during commercials. But no.

I agreed to write the letters to the parents and all of them huffed out one by one. A mother though actually came up to me and said I was forbidden to date her son. I agreed seeing how I was pretty sure her son was batting for the other team anyway.

So there you have it. That was an extremely embarrassing time for me and even the weeks that followed where I had people shouting "Big Sweaty Man Balls" every where  I went.

Now maybe I can sleep a little easier...

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